Next day

So if there’s one thing I want to unpack through writing anonymously, it is the price and cost of shame.

The counselor said I had a pretty decent amount of self loathing.

What I wish is that I saw myself and this marriage context with clear eyes. I’m actually going to pray right now that I would see me and myself in my relationships with clarity.

The inward filter I process things is the same tape I always heard when I was a kid : I am a problem.

But is this reinforced directly from my husband ? Or is this something that I can’t stop? Is this something that I have control over and can stop or is it because of the way I’ve been made to feel here that is the real trigger?

My friends would say that there is some level of control here.

But are they also being triggered by their own demons stemming from hard relationships with men?

It’s so hard not to know. Not to see myself as I am.

I do know that right now and at times in my marriage, there has been a level of disgust .

If I bleed through my pants, pass gas, forget to shut the door while I’m in the bathroom, don’t shave my pubic hair.

He is disgusted with those things about me.

There is an undercurrent of shame.

I cannot and do not clean like I should.

We do not have time to do the things on my agenda.

I have gotten used to not choosing. But honestly, and I told my friend Rebekah this, if my husband and kids are happy, I am happy.

And so there’s the lens.

Along the way I have gotten used to not having a say.

Not cooking things right.

Can’t even make a salad correctly without a lot of input.

Do not put apple cider on the hot plate.

Do not smoke in the car.

Have you fed the dog?

Have you fed the cat?

Why don’t I have any clean underwear?

Why are you using that pan?

Well, did you put enough water in?

We are closing the pool down, today.

Why are you watching such depressing tv?

I don’t know why mommy is watching this junk.

I wish I could rest.

Mommy is always resting.

Where are you going?

I can’t remember the last time I had time to read a book.

On and on and on.

This is the culture. This is the climate.

This does not excuse my behavior. But as I sit and listen to the input from half a dozen friends, I inwardly make a list. I can’t see that these questions aren’t something that a husband asks a wife. I can’t see that this is out of line and inappropriate. I never saw it as a lack of trust. I never imagined it was anything more than he knows better. I know less. I am less than. He has more experience in the world.

AND THIS IS ALL TRUE.

does this factor in to my decision making? Does this have anything to do with why I seek out a way to escape?

Do I really think the other guy can inhabit all the things I am missing and more?

How is it possible that I can’t see with two eyes and direct experience?

Everyone says it’s time to put up boundaries, to force him to get help.

Everyone says it’s time to expect more, to be trusted, to have freedom, to actually experience grace, to not be emotionally abused, not to be controlled and manipulated.

And yes, maybe.

But the other guy would give me just the same if not worse.

I’m always looking for a Savior.

The husband has always been my safety.

But maybe inwardly, maybe through all the poor decision making, maybe through all the self destruction, there is a hint of truth.

The hint of truth being that there is something I am escaping, and I didn’t even know it. The truth being that there is an undercurrent that I am swept up in and cannot even figure out how to stop the craziness. The truth being that I am actually expressing the damage that is being done through my behavior. The truth being that there is something broken and broken up good. And that’s the self destruction.

That’s the temptation to walk away.

Mess it all up.

It isn’t because of soul mate status.

It’s because my mind and body and soul are crying out for a new thing. For connection EVEN a pseudo connection. For openness and vulnerability and FREEDOM and to be trusted to do it differently but still it be okay.

That is what all of this is. A true cry for my husband to see me.

Need me.

Trust me.

Want me.

Love isn’t control nor manipulation nor suspicion nor berating nor mistrust.

Love covers.

Shields.

Allows for me to be me.

Neighbor

“Love your neighbor as thyself” 

Yes, thy wealth 

Thy health 

Yes, our very own selves 

These aren’t just words

Merely verbs 

This is a call to action 

To reaction 

To fashion 

Our mentality 

To equality 

The reality is 

THIS IS HUMANITY 

Cut and created in

The very image of God

Wonderfully

Personally

Specifically

Designed

Sons and daughters

Mothers and fathers 

Brothers and sisters 

Are we listening ?!

The red words in the Bible

Mean they came from His mouth

Not a suggestion 

But to do without doubt 

See, our focus is how did these people get here ?

Oh, how we have forgotten to look in the mirror.

We ask, what will they cost? 

My response : 

Probably the same blood shed death on a cross

He died for the Muslim 

He died for the “gay”

He died for the one who

Denounces His name 

There isn’t a “chosen”

A cut out

A print

That we can mass produce

Copy 

And press send

He knows our very hairs

Not just the ones on your head 

But the count of the ones 

Some would rather see dead 

Than to be in this land 

Of the free 

And the brave 

Of the very same ones

His blood

Has the power to save 

Below is me actually reading it, in the dark, because I was too lazy to get up and turn a light on.

​​

Fluency

My writing process is this : 

I have a conversation with someone, think way too long and hard about it, find the teachable moment or lesson , and write about it . 
I have had three Or four such conversations today and I just keep thinking on the words, “I want to be fluent in friendship”. 

Each woman is so very different. Different triggers, hurts, pasts, current situations, divorced, single, younger, older. 

So, I guess, the bottom line for me is that in all of my relationships , I want to be fluent in being a friend that can be trusted and counted on. 

 This encompasses all of the different walks of women I encounter daily, the ones I have chosen to walk alongside and the ones that have chosen to walk alongside me. The ones that let me down, the ones that don’t. The ones that help me grow, the ones I have cultivated and poured into. The ones that I call friends.

 
Fluency 
Fluent in friendship 

Friend to the end-ship 

Penmanship 

The written words 

Between hearts and minds 

Words written on pages or not 

Thought out 

No doubt 

That these women are worth having 

In my life

By my side 

Sink or rise 

Part of a tribe 

Of sorts 

Hear us roar 

Collectively Shutting the door 

On the things that bind us 

Wind us 

Up 

Trust 

That we have each other’s back

No smack

Talking 

Or balkin’

Walking 

toward healing 

Unpeeling 

Layer after layer 

Til we get to the core

Of who we are 

Individually 

But so much more 

Together 

Forever 

 

No more body Shaming 2017

Read this today out of an updated rendition of “Our bodies, Ourselves”.

Made me want to give up the idea of playing a role. Playing a part.

I don’t mean dressing up for fun. I mean actually finding identity in how successful one is in this subtle, wide spread competition. 

I am denouncing any role I have played in the past. I am resigning. I will really strive this year to forget this body shaming business. This idea that the makeup companies and teeth whitening marketers and fashion designers want me to believe. This forced participation.

I am tired of hearing women complain. I’m tired of hearing myself complain. I’m tired of talking to a cardboard cutout. 

I can’t relate to it in this stage of my life. 

Cheers to no body shaming, no measuring up literally in 2017.